I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
