I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
