seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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