I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My vagina is officially offended.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
