Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
