I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
