I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
