I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
