I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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