this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
