The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize