they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize