Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize