i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize