he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
4 words: hood of his car
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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