just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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