Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
