yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
