I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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