haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
