After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
