everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
