My friends, they love my intelligence
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize