I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize