hotel room ftw
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
