so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
