Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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