Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
