According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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