Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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