My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
