oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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