if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't trust your balls anymore.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i believe in u and ur pee
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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