U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
