I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i drank out of a bidet.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
