so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
