Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize