I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
