I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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