dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
