We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
