I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
