my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
