My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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