**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
