Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
