Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
