If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
