my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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