whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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