I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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