This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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