my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
