we have pet lesbian snakes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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