It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
